I want to make a zoo with you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
