I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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