i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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