im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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