her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
