i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
