my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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