It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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