Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
