Christians are straight up FREAKS
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
