her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
