when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
