I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
