fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
why do cheetos always look like penises
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
