Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize