Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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