you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
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