at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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