I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize