the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
