The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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