When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
