You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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