The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
