I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
