I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
