I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
