Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
