my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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