Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
