Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So vagazzling was a success
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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