He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
