He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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