Pregnant stripper...not hot.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
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two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
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This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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