Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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