you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
