that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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