is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
then he tried to convert me to islam
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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