I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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