I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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