Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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