addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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