she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
