fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I need a beard to bite.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
