shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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