She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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