as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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