I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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