take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
