I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
