College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
