She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
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Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
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Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
where are my pants?
in the oven.