I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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