And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
