Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
