Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
