Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
