she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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