after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
