my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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