Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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