Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
