just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
