Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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