I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
