Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
